One might think they could have an honest conversation with family members without risking the severing of all ties.

Below are the simple, easy to follow instructions on how to alienate your family -- assisted by some nice deep cultural chasms.

First, say that you really appreciate family and the connection that Gemeinshaft families have.

Next, discredit what you said by following these steps:

1. Invite family to get to know their nieces and nephews for a few hours.

2. Arrive after 8 pm to show that you do not appreciate meeting your nieces and nephews, and that you are not considerate of a reasonable bed time for kids.

3. Brag that your kid is doing great in bilingual immersion which will in turn alienate the other family who has never enrolled their children in a second language class.

4. Notice that they don't seem to care, but continue anyway by explaining that a second language is required for college and that if children don't learn the language while young, they will likely struggle with the language in college and then only have a superficial grasp of the language.

5. Hear that they took their kids out of school because another language was spoken (Spanish) and they moved to another city because of the "poor quality" of the schools. (Listen to this after previously hearing that they didn't want to live in or enroll their kids in an "Asian" school district because the academic pressure would be too much on their kids.)

6. Explain that speaking Spanish does not lower one's I.Q.

7. Next, bring up an innocent non-confrontational topic; like, oh... immigration for example!

8. Explain that there is a YouTube video with a guy arguing for a zero immigration policy. (Listen to a response of crickets. No complaints about the zero immigration policy - even though their family has descended from immigrants).

9. Explain that you believe in an open immigration policy, like during the very earliest years of the founding / invasion of Europeans to the U.S.


10. Hear that illegal immigrants are draining the system.

11. Explain that their families are nourished from food harvested by the same immigrants who are "draining the system." Explain that their families bodies are grown from the harvests and meat packing plants where these same immigrants work; the ones who are "draining the system."

12. Explain that these immigrants work in the hot sun and inhale pesticides throughout the day. The same pesticides that you diligently attempt to wash away from your produce because you know that pesticides are carcinogenic.

13. Watch family walk out the door saying that "Christmas is sure going to be awkward."

14. Find out that your parents are invited to Christmas dinner - but you are explicitly not welcome and, of-course you have been un-friended on Facebook.

Humor is one of the joys of life and also a great stress reliever. But what topics are out of bounds? When does humor land you in hot water? Is life too serious to joke about anything?


If you're not a professional comedian stay away from the sensitive areas of race, culture, class, ethnicity, and handicaps. Call me boring, but is it really worth sounding like a racist a-hole for a few chuckles?

Switching gears to my serious topic. I'm talking about immigration policy with a family member. (I know. Bad idea.) When this family member says "The problem is that immigrants are draining the system!", and (as if that wasn't enough) "If we open the boarders ALL Mexicans will be up in the U.S.!"?

To put you in my shoes -- in the SAME room is my Mexican wife and my 6 year old Chicana daughter. I kid you not.

I had played this scene over and over in my head before I even realized that I could have made a joke out of it. I could have said "I know huh!? What should we do with them!?" "(insert cruel and unusual punishment up to and including genocide)" Now, if I did say that, the problem is that I don't think six-year-olds are good at understanding sarcasm and devil's advocate. I suppose I should have turned the whole situation into a teaching moment of how to use sarcasm in a humorous way and how to play devil's advocate.

My problem is -- when someone is offensive -- I'm not in a laughing mood anymore.

So what would you have said if you were me?